I can remember the season and year that I first truly got initiated into “minivan life”. It was 1996, and up until then, a young Darrk Gable had only heard of what minivan living was. I couldn’t identify it; I couldn’t adequately describe it. Much like people say about porn however, I knew it when I saw it.
My Father, bless him, had made the transition rather seamlessly. One weekend I saw him; he had a four door sedan, like any other normal, responsible, mid-30s father. The next weekend, he called and said, “Son, I have a surprise for you.” Little did I know that surprise included a loss of hope, virility, and machoness. Yes, Pops pulled up in a gold Plymouth Voyager. The fact that it was a Plymouth should’ve been a dead giveaway. As he honked the horn and i went outside, Dad just seemed…different.
The fatherly gleam in his eye was gone. If windows are the true eyes to the soul, then his had turned gray. He was still an imposing figure, but less so. It was as if his new gold chariot was a proverbial ball and chain dressed up to look pretty. Now your probably saying, “it couldn’t have been THAT bad”. Well, your wrong, it was worse. Do you know what it’s like, as a 16 year old young black male, to see your father now in “a family way”? Bruh, it’s kinda depressing. It was at that moment, I knew I would never drive a minivan.
Since that dark chapter in my life, quite a few things have changed. For one, Pops doesn’t drive the “Golden Sled” anymore. Secondly, I now am married, and have kids of my own. Thirdly, minivans have become known as “soccer mom” vehicles! You want to know wwwhhhyyy I will NEVER drive one?! Check reason three. No self respecting man should drive something known as a soccer mom vehicle. Why? BECAUSE SOCCER MOMS DRIVE THEM!!!
God blessed me with a great wife, because if she never does anything else for me, I’ll be ok knowing that she doesn’t like them either. What woman would want her husband, her provider and protector, the father of her children, to witness the transformation I saw in my father? The look of an empty existence in his eye, the gleam of a man’s man (nh); gone. Why? Because of age, or loss of a job? No. All because he eventually had to break down, and get his own “Golden Sled”.
So to all my fellow brethren with families contemplating getting a minivan I say, “don’t do it! Reconsider!” Word to 3 Stacks. Crossovers, Wagons, and SUVs are the ONLY options. Don’t believe me? Go to a dealership and see the guys looking at minivans. Look into their eyes.
Ask yourself, “do I want to look like them?”
You’ve been warned.
**Granted, all this is slightly (majorly) embellished, but I’m still not driving a friggin’ minivan!**