2012 taught me that fear has had a hold on me for years. And not just a hold, but a grip tighter than a pair of Lil’ Wayne nuthuggers (nh). I have no idea when it started, but as far back as I can remember, courage has friendzoned me. So, I’m left with hanging out with fear. Or better yet, I WAS left hanging out with fear.
Before this last new year started, I began doing a self-assessment. Not only did I question myself, and analyze my decisions, but I sincerely asked God to show me things I otherwise wouldn’t see. He merely shed light on some parts of my past, as well as my present. But He also said to me: “fear”. I had no idea what it meant, or why *that* word, but it stayed with me. A few days went by and I began to view what He showed me through the prism of fear. That’s when things started clearing up.
I spent much of my childhood afraid of trying new things, or pushing myself. I never wanted to play sports or anything physical. Not because I couldn’t handle it physically, but mentally. Even with respect to pursuing girls and young women as I got older, I told myself I was staying in my lane. Really, I didn’t want to endure the rejection that comes with being turned down. Mind you, none of these things could “hurt” me per se, but I let the thought of them doing so keep me from pushing my own boundaries. And that wasn’t fair to me, or to my God who says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
Even though fear will and has always been around it’s no need to bow down to it. In her last blog post, Rae even alluded to this. When I made my choice to not kowtow to it, my outlook on life began to change. I know it’s not going to be an instantaneous change. I have told myself not to look at what is stopping me, but what isn’t. Opportunities are awaiting me, and I choose to go after them.
The greatest take away from the lessons I’ve learned about fear is that while it’s consistently present, letting it stop me is a choice. I’m not saying go out and do idiotic or dangerous things. There is a line between fear and cautiousness. Being cautious will keep us safe, but being fearful can kill us emotionally and spiritually.
Going after what I want is what I’ve set my heart to do. I have an appointment with death at some point; we all do. My soul and spirit will not arrive before my body does.