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Monthly Archives: February 2014

Ties That Bind: Chapter I

Colby was nervous.  Last week Mavis called him and asked could they meet for lunch because she had some things she wanted to share with him.  This was odd; especially since she never wanted to meet. His gut told him life was preparing to flip upside.  Only after agreeing did he realize his acquiescence sounded much too excited.  She gave him the place, time and date, they said our goodbyes, and hung up.

That was 174 hours ago.  And now here he was, sitting in Brio, waiting to have dinner with Mavis again for the first time in 10 years. In those 10 years, his life had been many things; stable being a key exception.

He had time to think as he waited. It seemed like each decision he made after their last dinner was a good one initially, then the fallout would hit…

First he met the woman who later became his wife, and they had a son a few months after getting married. Within two years however, they were divorced. Then six years after that, Colby met another woman who seemed to finally fit what he thought he wanted.  The relationship prospered, but he was hesitant about getting married again. She seemed to understand, or so he thought, and things kept progressing.

Soon after, they found out she was pregnant. She began pressing the marriage issue, and he started chafing at the thought. Colby knew it was the socially “right” thing to do, but marrying her wasn’t “right” for him…and he told her, which was hard. Once she delivered their daughter, the last vestiges of the relationship died quickly. After both instances, Colby found himself wondering, “where did I go wrong?” Suffice it to say, in relationships? Everywhere.

During the years between their dinners, Mavis and Colby would talk on an inconsistent basis.  They were still friends, so the connection was there, but it had…changed.  Whereas before they’d have in-depth, soul baring conversations; the talks now were superficial, like small talk-on-an-elevator superficial.  There were things about her life he wanted to ask about, but it was like an unspoken topic that couldn’t be uttered.  So they continued the same dance; “How you been? How’s the family? Are you still working at XYZ?” Talking, but not really communicating.

After a few years of not seeing each other, he called her and ask could they get together. She had just purchased a condo near Howard and had a housewarming which seemed the opportune time.  However, Colby couldn’t make it, which frustrated him greatly, but the next week he was there, getting the “realtor tour”.  She’d done well for her self, and though he was happy for her, seeing Mavis in her home gnawed at him…why he couldn’t quite decipher.  After the tour, they talked a while, and had a few glasses of wine. They talked about the past, his kids, her desire to be married and have kids, and their careers.  It was just an easygoing night, and one he needed.

Eventually, the witching hour came, and he knew it was time to leave.  They shared a lingering hug, and Colby left.  The walk back to his car was a replay of the previous few hours. Rapping with Mavis was always effortless; like it was what talking to a woman was supposed to be.  As he walked and thought, one thing she said kept repeating in his mind…”nobody ever ‘got’ me like you did”. 

Though unintentionally, a few months went by before they talked again.  She called one day while he was at a restaurant with his son.  During the conversation, Colby asked him if he wanted to “meet one of daddy’s friends”, to which he excitedly said yes. They left the restaurant and headed to Mavis’ place.  Once they arrived, Junior knocked on the door and answered “me and my daddy” when she asked “who is it”.  As she opened the door, Junior stood there dumbfounded.

Now his mother wasn’t unattractive, at all, but she couldn’t hold a candle to Mavis.  Even at seven years old, Junior knew loveliness when he saw it…and she was the embodiment of it.  Mavis reached out her hand, and after some prodding from his father, the boy returned the gesture.

“Nice to meet you sir. What’s your name?”

“My name is Junior, like my daddy.” Colby gently reminded him that he was a junior, but that Junior wasn’t his name.  

“Oh yeah, my name is Colby.”  

“Well, nice to meet you Colby.  You’re just as handsome as your father.”  Both of them blushed.

After the meet and greet, Mavis got Junior something to drink and escorted him to the living room, where he found something to watch.  She returned to the foyer and began fawning over him to his father.  Mavis and Colby shared a few laughs, talked, and finally joined the boy in the living room.  Little Colby took to Mavis as if he’d known her all his life, and she relished the attention.  They talked, played, and just enjoyed each other’s company.  

For a moment, things got awkward when he asked how they knew each from.  “We grew up together” was all either of the adults said.  That seemed to pacify his curiosity, and eventually, he went back to watching TV.  Mavis looked at the older Colby, he looked at her, they both looked at the boy, then back at each other and smiled.  Big Colby wasn’t sure, but he thought he caught a glimpse of moisture around her eyes.  Before he could ask, she went into the kitchen for a moment and then returned.  Her eyes were dry when she sat back down.

Thirty minutes later it was time for the Colbys to leave.  Junior asked her when was the next time he’d see her, to which she put the father on the spot, saying “well, Dad?”  “We’ll see, but for now, come on boy so you can get home.”  They exchanged hugs and the guys left.  On the way to dropping him off, Junior said “Daddy, I like her, and I think she likes you”.  “Well son, I’m glad you like her…I’m not real sure about the second part of that though”.  “Dad…trust me, I know these things”.  Colby Senior laughed the rest of ride.

After he dropped Junior off, Big Colby started thinking again about Mavis, and old thoughts and feelings started welling up inside of him. Here was this woman, whom he’d seen grow from an awkward pre-teen to this stunningly smart, gorgeous, charismatic, independent, and confident woman, and just like old times, he was in awe. NO-BODY, had ever flustered him as much as she did…and she knew it, and probably even enjoyed it.

Colby snapped back to the present, anticipating both Mavis’ arrival, as well as what she wanted to talk about.  A few moments later, Mavis she walked in.  He stood to help her with her jacket and pulled her seat out.  Once seated, they rehashed the events of their respective days, and ordered drinks and an appetizer.  Colby wanted to get to what she had to say, but he didn’t want to seem too eager.  Moments went by, but then Mavis changed the subject.

“I know you want to know what I have to say, but first, you have to promise me you won’t get mad.”

“Woman.  After 13 years of knowing me, have I ever gotten mad at you?”

“No, but I’ve never told you anything like what I’m about to”, she replied.

“Ok.  Mavis Sabine Wilson, I will not get mad, or angry…happy now?”

“Yes.  Ok.  What I have wanted to tell you for a while, but especially after I met Colby Junior is this…I feel like I’m the reason Colby Junior isn’t our son.”

 
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Posted by on 02/25/2014 in Uncategorized

 

15 Alternative Reasons A Husband Could Be Acting In An Odd Way

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading an article that was at the end of another one of my internet rabbit holes.  You know how you can click a link on one page, then another and another, and before you know it, you’ve spent an hour reading things and watching videos?  Yup…that’s how I found the article.  What caught my attention was how the author presented their arguments as fact, and without seeming to have any insight into how the mind of a married man works.  After reading the article, I decide to present a rebuttal, from the mind of at least one married man.

1. Ignoring Problems

There are reasons why a husband may not seem intent on dealing with problems.  Just because he ignores them doesn’t mean he wants a divorce.  Perhaps he’s already processing them and is working on a solution.  How is his woman speaking to him in regards to the problem?  Does she come off as attacking and slick-mouthed, or genuinely concerned?  Just because a woman doesn’t hear anything about a specific problem doesn’t mean the man isn’t working on a solution.

2. He Is Always Busy

What is the home life like?  Is it stressful because of the disconnect between the two people, or is it because of forces outside his control?  Men are instilled with the responsibilities of “provide and protect” from an early age.  If one or the other can’t be done (usually providing) it can gnaw at the very core of a man.  He’ll spend as much time as necessary to get that provider label back.  The way he looks at something may be skewed, but he’s not always trying to leave.

3. Changing His Physical Appearance

Let’s say a man is getting older, has gotten flubbery, and doesn’t like what he sees in the mirror.  Yes, it does happen to men too.  But he starts getting in shape so he can feel better about himself, and better his health.  And, and *GASP* he wants to look good for HIS woman.  That means he wants to get a divorce?  Or could it be his woman’s insecurity about her physical appearance is informing her thoughts about why he’s “all of a sudden” getting his Mr. Olympia on? Hmmm…

4. He’s Lost Those Loving Feelings

Folks assume that men are wired one way, and only respond negatively to affairs of the heart.  Well let me let everyone in on a little secret…men try are proactive, but we can be reactionary too.  To assume that a man just up and started losing ”those loving feelings” is generally foolish.  In a perfect world, maybe, but in the real world, there are things that his woman no doubt did, or is doing, that have fed into her feeling like his feelings are gone.  Perhaps checking for the plank in her own eye before looking at the speck in her man’s would be wise.

5. No Action In The Bedroom

For this one, you’ve got to get a wee bit closer.  Ready?  Ok, here it is…men can get tired of sex.  It’s earth shattering news, I know.  But wait, there’s more.  Weight, stress, age, stress, pressure, stress, and stress can drastically interfere with a man’s libido, as well as desire for sexual contact.  Society would have people (women) thinking that men are always ready, willing, and able, and if he’s not then it’s a problem.  Guess what, there most likely is a problem, but not one that means a man is done with his relationship.

6. He Doesn’t Want to Spend Time Together

This is one of only two I can’t offer an alternative reason for.  The majority of issues that couples face result from the lack of effective communication, and time together, where they can just focus on them.  If a man isn’t willing to put energy into either…then there’s definitely problem.

7. New Circle of Friends

If we’re talking about Drake, then “No New Friends” is fine, but we’re not.  Maybe a man needs a new set of friends.  Perhaps the friends he was hanging out with at first were not good influences and he recognized that, so he has cultivated friendships with people who can enhance him as a person, as well as his relationship.

8. He’s a Workaholic

Let’s assume a man is a workaholic.  Is it possible he was one before meeting his significant other?  Sure.  In some twisted way, was it comforting to her because she knew she had a man who was willing to work as much as need?  Probably.  So now that “it’s” official, his strong work ethic is a problem?  Nope…can’t let it fly.

9. Nasty Comments

“Sticks and stones break your bones, but blah blah…”  The biggest load of crap we’re taught as kids.  If a man is making nasty comments toward a woman, my general question is, “what did she say to him?”  Men can only take but so much slick talk before we’ll respond in kind.  Maybe, just maybe a woman should check how she sounds and what she says before getting them panties in a bunch about her man saying something foul.

10. Bad Habits Emerge

Ok, this is the only other one there’s no alternative for.  If destructive habits are emerging, the source of ol’ boys’ stress needs to be found…and quickly.

11. He Doesn’t Contribute

If he’s super old-school, a man will probably take out the trash, do the yard work, and give his woman the checkbook and that’s about it.  Maybe once in a while he’ll cook just because, and will pull up the slack if his woman is feeling sick.  However, most men probably feel like if they’re making most of the money (providing) and ensuring the home front is secure (protecting) then their job is done.  If a woman desires help from her man around the home, don’t assume he’ll pick up on it…ask.

12. He’s Never Home

One question: is home someplace that can be refuge for a man, or is it a confined war zone that the world he faces everyday can’t fathom?  If he’s not comfortable being home, he won’t be, period.

13. Hidden Phone

Nowadays, many people’s (men and women) phones are the lifeline of their job.  If a man is on his phone a lot, and he works in a communication intensive field or he’s always on call, then the phone is necessity.  If he’s never given his woman reason to suspect anything, and she know’s the kind of job he has, she needs to breathe easy.

14. He Won’t Compromise

Has he never compromised, or is it recent that he has stopped?  Perhaps he’s had enough of his compromising becoming synonymous with him giving in.  If he’s always “compromising” to make his woman happy, but…wait for it…he’s not seeing where she compromises, he’ll stop.

15. No Smiles

Maybe he’s had a long day at work, got some bad news, or God forbid, ate some of his woman’s cooking knowing she can’t cook.  Whatever the case, just because the man doesn’t smile doesn’t mean he’s looking to check out.  There’s probably and underlying reason for it, and finding *that* out will be better for the relationship in the long run.

Did you read the original article?  Do you agree or disagree with the original points or the alternatives, or both?

 
1 Comment

Posted by on 02/24/2014 in Uncategorized

 
 
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