Colby had thoughts swirling around his head. The other day he spent time deep in thought about Mavis, and those thoughts led to more thoughts. He wasn’t prepared to share with Mavis all he’d been thinking, but he had to get the thoughts organized, so he decided to write her a letter.
Every song…thought…scent…reminds me of you, and I’m too scared to tell you. Yet, I’m more scared of another man telling you what I need to express, and sweeping your heart away.
So what can I do, but tell you exactly how I feel?
We’re two different people now. Older and wiser, at varying stages of our lives. But here I am, acknowledging that wisdom has allowed me to come to grips with you. And not just you, but you in my life. Nothing and nobody has captivated me for as long, or as deeply, as you. Like Donny Hathaway sang, “I love you in a place there’s no space or time”, and if I’m being honest, I always have. The feelings were just tucked away, pushed down, and locked in a box that I wasn’t supposed to open again. But, I did open the box, and now I realize everything I once thought and felt about you has come flooding back. It’s got me right back at being 20 years old.
I’ve asked myself, “why, back then could we not get it right?” I’ve asked myself “why I haven’t been able to let go of the thoughts of ‘happily ever after’ with you?”. And…I’ve also asked “why’d she wait until I was ready to be about her, and only her, to get fed up and not want ‘us’ anymore?”. I couldn’t blame you for being tired of my mess at the time though. I’d done alot of dumbass stuff in my younger years, feeling like no matter what, you’d be there in the end? Well, guess what? I was the one that wasn’t there. I had stepped away, trying to prove to myself that you were just another woman, when in reality, you were then, and now, the only woman for me.
We’re doing this song and dance right now, because I think we’re trying to feel each other out. Spending time together, but not too much that we have to acknowledge that the more time we’re with one another, the more time we want to be around each other. It’s funny that we have to take each other in small doses so we don’t OD.
You told me you feel like CJ and his sister should be ours. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, but if they were ours, where would we be? I’d like to think you’d be, no, I know you’d be my misses. The hits and misses in our respective love lives wouldn’t have happened, at least I think. There wouldn’t have been places for others to creep in. But alas, the hits and misses have also gotten us to where we are. I can’t say for you, but for me, I have looked back over our times together, and apart, and realized that I didn’t cherish you enough. I should’ve had you on a pedestal, as the embodiment of love. Not to worship you, but because you should’ve been set apart from all others.
I gotta tell you, even my mother thought and still thinks that you’re the one. She’s liked the women she’s met since you, but nobody has ever gotten the “mom seal of approval”, but you. That was probably something I should’ve paid attention to, huh?
With all I’ve written in this letter, you’d have a hard time believing that I am at a loss for words, right? Well, I sorta am. What else can I say to you about how much I think of you, everyday, or even when I’ve been out with a friend? Hell, I even admitted to loving you above. When have I ever said that?
I could sit here and tell you how my job will keep me from doing right by you, and by right I mean adequately supporting you. You’d probably tell me you ” not stressing it, as long as I’m looking to see improve”. You don’t have to stress it, because I am. How could I not wanna be a strong foundation? You’d say it’s a cop out, and by any measure, you’d be right, but it still doesn’t change how I feel.
CJ asked me one day, “Daddy, you gonna finish this”? I asked him what he meant and he couldn’t, or wouldn’t articulate it. I really didn’t need him to though. God used him to ask me one question that’s never been answered by my actions…”are you gonna finish this”? I’ve thought about that for a few months now. It was a gut punch, but one I needed. I’ve got to start finishing things. This goes for school, a business plan I’ve been working on, and whatever is going to happen with you.
This isn’t to pressure you into figuring things out with me. It’s to let you know where I am, and where I think I’m being directed to go. However, I’m not sure when, or if you’re ever going to get to read this. The manly thing to do would be to tell you all this face to face. Doing so would mean I have to be ready for whatever you’re reply will be, and I’m not ready for that, yet.
I’m rambling now, so I’m going to stop here, but do know this. You will always, and forever be my heart.
C folded the letter, placed it in an envelope, and placed it in his Bible to mark Jeremiah 29.