I have been perplexed for some time about my spiritual walk. I mean, I believe that God exists, as I believe that Jesus existed on earth. I also believe that Jesus was/is God incarnate in the form of Man. So in this aspect, I have faith.
What troubles me is, in my mind I know and believe all the above is true. I question if my heart “knows and believes” it though. I mean, I see folks get a “feeling” and wonder if that’s it. Am I missing something? Is my inability to feel this feeling a sign that my salvation isn’t sealed? Or, is it that I’m looking for something that not everybody gets?
It’s a conundrum because my mind works overtime, daily. I readily admit that I over analyze everything. It could be that I’m over analyzing this as well. But I’d over analyze if I’m over analyzing this thought too.
See the problem?
It started when in my teens. I first dedicated my life to God and accepted Christ as my savior at 13, while attending a Baptist church. This didn’t mean much…then. I did it because I had passed “the age of accountability” and was deathly afraid of dying and going to Hell. The second time I was 22, and had just gotten out of a soul-rendering relationship. The last time I was 26, and decided to do it to make sure I had my Baptist and Apostolic bases covered; and because my soon to be wife had an apostolic background.
Right there, we see that all the times were a reaction to *something* in my life. However, I still believe/d in the transformational nature of Jesus’s love. So I’m left to wonder, “has my life been purchased with Christs’ blood, as the Bible states when Christ is accepted into a person’s life?” Or, “am I just falling into another pattern of insecurity about my relationship with Him?” It’s stressful to say the least. Worse yet is that, I can only see incremental changes in my life, but others think I have a “calling” on my life.
Do you know how stressful all this is?
And I go through this every few months. If there is such a calling, I wish God would just show it to me. I mean, I know He can use others to speak things to people, but just once, I wish He would speak it directly to me. Truthfully, because I don’t think He has spoken to me, my wondering about my heart ramps. There are things I have a desire to do that aren’t of God, and I know that. What keeps me from doing them though?
Is it not wanting to disappoint Him? Is it something within me that fears the repercussions? Do I know better, and also know that I’ll only have me to blame if the situation goes awry? The answer to all is simply, yes. Since the answer is yes, I get a measure of comfort in knowing that Jesus is around, and has taken up residence in my heart.
But it’s still what I know, and not what I feel.
Perhaps I’m searching for a “feeling” that isn’t meant to be felt; at least not by me. Maybe the feeling I imagine I’m suppose to feel is not real at all. It could be that the insecurity I do feel is God’s way of letting me know that in actuality, I am His. Maybe the wondering I feel is His way of keeping me close so that I’ll always stay connected.
The Bible says: “His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.” This being the case, it’s possible I will continue to have these bouts of doubt. If it is His way of ensuring I stay close, then who am I to question the One who made me like this in the first place?
Am I alone in feeling like this? If not, how does God keep you close to Him?